I Like Pie

I tried to apply for a 16-25 railcard today on the website 16-25railcard.co.uk.

I couldn't complete it because my surname Wang is a swear word. It's hardly uncommon. Stupid people.

After 4 days of being at home, I'm very bored. I've watched a lot of TV and done a lot of cooking and cleaning. I can only attribute my new project to the effects of boredom.

My new project is to try to be as penny-pinching as possible, and see if I can save significant amounts of money, and whether or not I'm happy to live this way.

I plan to use every tea bag twice. I'm going to buy supermarket own brand stuff where possible. I'm not going to buy any clothes. I'm going to have showers at the gym instead of having to turn on the hot water heating at home. I'm not going to have heating on when it gets cold outside - my flat is double-glazed now, and it's small enough that the TV and computer and the hob when I'm cooking heat up the flat sufficiently. And I'd wear more layers. Oh and I can cuddle my cat for warmth.

I know I said in my previous post that I'm going to buy free-range chicken from now on, which is twice as expensive as standard chicken, but I'm going to eat less meat and more pulses and beans.

I'll keep this up til the end of November, and see how I feel.

I'm sick. I'm pretty sure it's not swine flu (I hope anyway), but it's still a bad cold. I think I have a fever because I sweated all night last night, and feel really warm today even though my flat is no warmer than usual. I feel thirsty all the time and I've drunk maybe 20 mugs of drinks today. I have a sore throat and a headache, and coughing makes both much more painful. Sneezing also hurts my throat. Awww. Self-pity.

I spent the day watching Channel 4 documentaries on their website. One of the ones that I watched was about free-range chicken and why we should buy it instead of standard chicken. It was an informative and interesting programme, althought I felt the presenter was obviously biased and used emotive language to try to influence the viewer. See http://www.channel4.com/programmes/hughs-chicken-run/4od

Edward is very adamant about only buying free-range chicken, because he thinks it's cruel to raise chickens the standard way. I have always bought standard chickens because I'm trying to save money, and my parents have always bought standard chickens.

Since watching the show, I have decided that because I can afford to buy free-range chicken now, I will do so.

BUT.

I am not doing so because I think it's cruel to keep chickens that way. I am not doing so because free-range chickens are "happier". Either way chickens end up on my plate as food. How do you know that the free-range chicken wasn't more upset about dying because it had tasted freedom and sunshine and didn't want to give up its' good life?

I am going to buy free-range because free-range chickens have a normal body shape and muscle to fat proportion (because they can run around). Battery chickens are fat, weak, and a weird shape compared to the free-range chickens (because all they do is eat and sleep). They also live in poo for their entire lives. I don't think animals reared in those sort of conditions are fit for human consumption. I'm more concerned about the quality of the meat than how happy my food was when it was alive.

I saw the battery chickens' lifecycle from day 1 to day 39 when they are killed. I saw the overcrowding and the ammonia burns and the poo. But I didn't feel particularly upset about it. I like meat, and I am not likely to give up meat. I wouldn't be upset to see a cow, pig, or sheep being slaughtered to become food. Granted, they have more free space than battery chickens. But like I said, either way they die without living out their full lives, so if I were to be concerned with the happiness of animals, I would not agree with killing them before they died of old age (because if an animal has the right to a natural life, then that includes living the full length of its lifespan).

I think I would be a hypocrite if I stood up for the welfare of chickens, but not for ALL other animals. I think I would be a hypocrite if I stood up for the welfare of animals, but not for humans.

Humans are being exploited in sweatshops to make our shoes; they are being underpaid to grow our tea and coffee. But I buy shoes without caring about how they were made. I drink tea and coffee without finding out about their source. I buy them because I like them or because they're cheap.

To be blunt, I doubt I have the time or will to champion for the improvement of everything in this world that isn't fair.

So while I will buy free-range chicken, I will not encourage other people to buy free-range for the sake of the chickens' welfare - because I haven't done anything to improve the welfare of other humans or any other animals. I'm not going to pick one and not the rest.

I'm in a better mood compared to during my last post. I am opening a savings account, and I should be able to save at least £300 a month. People tell me that the grads should be getting a promotion/pay rise next month.

I've been notified that my provisional driving licence will arrive in 10 days, so I have booked some driving lessons in Fleet, starting in October.

I found a good website called http://www.cookuk.co.uk to help me make more varied meals. For example today I made Cornish pasties by following the recipe on that site, and they're pretty tasty if I may say so myself. Although now that I know the amount of butter and lard that goes into pastry; I feel guilty when eating it.

Edward surprised me with roses delivered to my work place on my birthday, which no one has ever done for me before. He's really sweet.

Tigger likes cuddles and belly rubs, and right now he's rolling on his back on the floor by my feet. I am going to watch an episode of Heroes, and enjoy myself.

It's my birthday tomorrow. And it's not just any birthday. It's my 25th. When I was younger, I thought of 25 as the top of the hill in terms of youth and looks. 25 was scary. From 20 to 24 I'd be young. From 25 onwards I'd be middle-aged. I'd have a job, a home, possibly be married with kids.

Now that I am at this point, I don't feel quite so old, which is a good thing, but I also haven't got as far in adult life as I had expected, which is a bad thing. I've only been working for 1 year, when I could have been working for 3 years by now. I would be on my way to owning my own home, and already been promoted at work. Whereas in reality I'm nowhere near close to having a deposit, and I've not had my yearly work review yet.

It's definitely a major landmark for me anyway. One that behooves me to review my life so far and think about what I'm going to do in the future. I've got some plans that I need to carry out soon: I need to learn more programming and work on some stuff in my leisure time. I need to learn more about software design practices and SQL. I've not really studied much since last year, and my brain is wasting away.

I'm going out for drinks with workmates tomorrow night, especially as one of them is also having a birthday tomorrow. I've already celebrated my birthday at the weekend with Edward. He baked me a cake, and took me out for dinner, and got me some nice things. If he hadn't done that I would have had to buy myself a cake and celebrated on my own. So I'm grateful that he made it a nice experience. This is the first birthday that I didn't celebrate with my family. Even last year my mum cooked me a birthday dinner before I left for England.

I miss my family. I've lived away from home for a year now. I've never been on my own for so long. I see Edward every Wednesday and weekends, and I really like spending time with him, but we live quite far away from each other and we can't see each other daily. The rest of the time I have a purring kitten to keep me company (and everyone who meets him thinks he's adorable), but I am conscious of how quiet it is in my flat. I also miss my mum's cooking. On my own I don't bother so much with cooking fancy things. Sometimes I just have cereal or soup and bread. The problem with living on my own is that whatever I buy, I end up eating for a week. I can't eat enough food to be able to have variety in my meals.

Oh well. Time to go to bed and turn 1 year older. I have something unpleasant to face tomorrow. I hope I don't cry on my birthday.

I quite like shopping on Amazon. I don't trust Ebay sellers that much, and I don't have the time to bargain hunt. I've ordered some headphones because Tigger chewed through my old ones, a HDMI to DVI-D cable so I can use my big TV with my PC, and a swimming suit because I'm going swimming soon :)

Pico and Neko have gone to live with Lee. I couldn't look after 3 cats anymore. Too much poo and therefore too smelly. They'll be able to run around outside, which should be better for them. I'll miss Pico, but I think he has a better life now, and he needs the exercise.

I still have Tigger, and he was recently castrated. Poor little guy. He's doing very well now.

Everyone at the vets made a fuss over Tigger because he's so cute and docile. He follows me everywhere, and loves to cuddle up on my lap. Pico and Neko used to lie on my lap sometimes, but stopped doing it as they got bigger. Hopefully Tigger won't stop. Right now as I type this, he is curled up on my lap with his eyes closed, and purring. I wuv my kitty.

I won't be sickening and go on about my relationship with Edward, so I'll just say things are great and I'm happy.

I have been at my job for a year now. Dun dun dun. I hope my review goes well.

I've read about the "art" of picking up women before, but recently I decided to find out a bit more about it. I won't go into the details of how pick up artists work, as you can google for such things easily.

My overall conclusion is that these techniques do not work for finding a long-term partner, because I've never had a relationship with someone who would have used such tactics on me. I would either think they were arrogant or annoying or not that into me.

I admit that playing hard to get works initially, and it would make me more interested, but my obsessive nature and tendency to ask a lot of probing questions eventually causes me to become pissed off at the lack of interest.

I believe that no matter how much of a player and how suave a man (or woman) is, when they meet someone whom they really fall in love with, all pretences go out the window and they should have butterflies in their stomach and feel nervous and awkward.

Too much confidence implies to me a lack of interest: you obviously are not crazy enough about me to really care if I turned you down. Therefore I don't want you.

I spent the weekend at Edward's house, and I did some gardening for him. Don't laugh.

I just like gardening - and since I don't have a garden, I was missing it. So I decided to remove some weeds and prune some plants. Edward took me to a garden centre to look at plants, and I've chosen some for his garden to plant in the future. I basically took over his garden :) He's not green-fingered and doesn't really enjoy gardening so it suits both of us.

It was an idyllic weekend. I had meals cooked for me, watched movies and played games. We went to Hungerford and walked along the canal as well.

Next weekend we're going to Bournemouth for a short stay. Aoife is coming to visit me, and the three of us are going to go to the beach.

In other random news: I'm going to learn how to play the guitar. I want to be able to play Nothing Else Matters by Metallica.

If you enjoy classical music, please look for Butterfly Lovers on youtube. It's a famous Chinese violin concerto and it's beautiful.

I've been learning about active directory/ADAM at work. My C# is coming along. Now I need to learn some asp.net.

I am officially in a relationship with a great guy called Edward. No it's nothing to do with my Twilight fantasy :p I've taken off my profile on the dating site, so I no longer have to answer inane questions such as "tell me about yourself" and "what do you do for a living?".

We had a great time on our first date, when he took me ice-skating in Basingstoke, and got to hold my hand because I cannot ice-skate. We spent hours talking in a pub and I missed my train, so he drove me home.

There was over a week between our first date and the second one. I went on other dates during that time, but by the end of the week I found that I missed talking to him and I was looking forward to seeing him again. That's when I knew.

On our second date, which was Sunday 2nd August, I spent the day at his house, and we watched DVDs, and he cooked me lunch and dinner, and made me laugh a lot. I felt happy and comfortable with him, so I decided to go for it and nervously asked him if he wanted to date me exclusively. He said yes, and here we are.

It's a much better week this week :) And it's only Tuesday.

Oooooh it's Friday. Going to open a bottle of wine, cook a really nice dinner, finish Dan in Real Life, put my feet up, and relax.

Some horrible things this week: trip to the dentist, a friend in trouble, another friend upset, an evening spent waiting, a burned dinner, tasks that no thanks for given for, and my first nightmare in about 10 years.

I won't describe my nightmare because it was so scary that it will give you nightmares, but it was very vivid and I got closer to the moment of reckoning than ever before.

When I say moment of reckoning; it's that point in your nightmare where you actually hit the ground, or the monster catches you. I have always been able to wake myself up before this moment occurs. I don't know how it would feel to experience this moment. Sheer terror? Pain? What would come after it? Would the nightmare continue?

Oh and I managed to piss off a date. Good work Elena!

To be honest, I was pissed off. And given eternity and reliving today over and over again, I would still be pissed off.

I feel like I am navigating a mine field of social conventions, other people's expectations, and my own expectations. Usually I go by social conventions and an average of the advice of friends.

If a person's actions don't fit within those boundaries, it would be hard for a logical person to accept their reasoning. As a logical person, I am not a mind reader. Neither are most people.

Words of advice: if you like someone, you let them know in no uncertain terms, and you make 50% of the effort at communication throughout the dating process. If you had a good first date, you tell them that you're looking forward to the next one, maybe at the end of the first date, or a few days after that. If the second date is not going to occur for quite a while, then you keep in contact. Otherwise the verdict is - you're just not that interested.

If anyone has a problem with my reasoning let me know.

Life is funny sometimes. People are funny sometimes. Both are unpredictable. Both can catch you by surprise; sometimes not in a good way.

I wish... I wish...

I wish that people were less cowardly, less selfish, and more honest and more decisive. You know what? I really can't be bothered any more.

I went to the dentist today. Ow. Dentists are evil :D

I've had a very busy week. Since joining a dating site, I've received quite a few emails. I went on four dates this week with four different men, and it has been an educational and enlightening experience for me.

In the past, I have found it difficult to meet men who were on the same wavelength as I. I used to think that perhaps I was too strange; too different. I worried a lot about being alone and never finding someone who wanted to be with me. My fear of being alone meant that I settled for people who weren't completely right for me.

Out of the four men I have met this week, I could see a relationship working with any of them. They are all very different, and yet have some common attributes, in that they are all decent, mature people. I would have to put in different amounts of effort to make these relationships work, but I'm determined and would give my all to make a relationship work anyway. In the past I would have jumped into a relationship with any of these men without thinking too much, if I hadn't meet them all in one week. But I had to make a choice.

I found it difficult to determine who would be more suitable for me, so I started thinking really hard about what exactly I'm looking for, and what exactly I have to offer. Granted, regardless of what I have to offer, I cannot change the choices of others if they decide that I'm not right for them. But I have control over my choices, and now is not the time to make a mistake.

Friends have said to me that we tend to look for partners who are like our parents. In my case, it would be my father. He's not perfect, far from it, but he has a lot of admirable qualities: he is hard-working, and does his best at everything he takes on. He would not do a half-assed job, or give up half-way through. He is capable - if anything needs fixing, or needs sorting out, whether around the house or with regards to life, he can assume responsibility for it in a confident manner, even if he has never done it before. He can sacrifice his own happiness for the sake of his family. He is very strong willed. In times of crisis, he will survive and come out of it without falling apart, simply because he has to for the sake of the family.

Having had such an example, I could accept no less in a partner. You might say "that's a lot to ask of one person, and not many people are that strong", but I would never expect anything of anyone that I wouldn't expect of myself.

Having come to that conclusion, I realised during a thinking session late last night that if I cannot find someone whom I can admire and look up to and have complete trust in, then I will not settle for any less. I would stay single. I'm strong enough to face that.

And with that realisation, I had faced my greatest fear: my fear of being alone. There is a wonderful sense of freedom in conquering a fear.

I have not gotten to know any of my dates well enough to know if they meet my requirements, but if none of them do, I will be ok being alone.

I will continue to improve at my job, and my character, and only worry about the things that I have control over. If a man wants to be my partner, then let him prove himself.

Things to do today:

hoover
do the washing up
wash all the cushions
tidy my bedrooom
groom my cats
trim cats' nails
clean my windows
clean the carpet
have a bath
clean the bathroom
clean the kitchen
organize all my games and DVDs
collapse in exhaustion

I is back!

Thanks to my dad, I now have 4Gb of RAM in my computer instead of 3. I also have a lot of Barry's Gold Blend tea. It's just nicer than English tea.

The cats are well. They've not been angels. I'm not totally happy with them. 'Nuff said.

I'm still on holidays til next Monday. Got loads of stuff to do though. *runs around screaming*

I packed my suitcase today, as in at midnight, because Monday I'll be out meeting people. I'm taking some small things that I couldn't bring with me before, like my moogle, and some dresses. The only Final Fantasy game I played was Final Fantasy 10 on the Playstation 2, and I was quite addicted for a while. I love the little moogles, so when I saw them for sale at Amecon 2 years ago I had to get one. Although I think Lee bought it for me.

My driving has improved. I've done hill starts, being stationary on a hill using the biting point, 3 point turns, and driving around industrial estates at up to 3rd gear. I need a lot more practice, but after this holiday I will have to pay for lessons. I am hoping to do the exam before the end of this year.

Another thing that I am going to improve is my Chinese. I am definitely going back to China as soon as I can afford it, and being able to read and write Chinese would make life a lot easier.

Oh and I'm taking my knitting stuff with me. Might make a jumper or something. Looks like I'll be busy :)

I went to town today to see Harry Potter with Aoife. I arrived in town at 4, and Aoife was working til 6, so I wandered around Grafton Street for a while. There was nothing interesting in the shops, so I went into Trinity and sat on a bench at the cricket pitch.

I've sat on those benches so many times in the past few years, brooding about stuff, that it came as no surprise that my thoughts turned morose again. As I sat there, it felt like nothing had changed. That no time had passed. That I was still a student, trying to get out there into the real world.

After a while of sitting there, feeling cold and depressed, I realised that (a) I needed to move, and that (b) I have achieved a lot of things since the last time I sat there and brooded.

I realised that for most of my adult life, I have been wanting things that were in the future, rather than appreciating what I have in the present.

When I was in school, I wanted to be a grown-up so that I'd have freedom. When I became a grown-up and went to university, I gained some freedom in what time I came home, or what I spent my weekends doing, but I wanted more freedom - to be able to spend money on what I liked, to live in my own home and do as I pleased. I wanted to finish university and get a job, and become a "real" adult, instead of a poor student. And now that I have achieved that, I find that instead of happily reflecting on how far I have come and all the goals that I have achieved, I'm worrying about the next set of goals and being unhappy about the things that I don't have yet.

I can see this is a vicious cycle which, if continued, will result in my having an unhappy and unfulfilling life. At my death, I would look back and realise that I didn't enjoy my life as I should have done.

So enough! Enough with being foolish. I have a lot of things to be happy for: I am healthy, I am reasonably attractive, I am reasonably intelligent, I have a job that I enjoy, I have my own home, I have company in the form of pets, I have friends, I have family who are supportive, I have freedom in what I spend my money on, and freedom in what I do in my spare time, and I have no debts (none to banks or any other financial institutions anyway, ahem. Parents don't count :p).

Sure, there are things that I want that are not on the list, but it's a pretty good list as it is. There are people in the world who would give an arm and a leg to have what I have.

I have found in my life that I have always had one source of stress or another. And I keep wishing for the cause of the stress to be over or to be resolved, so that I'll be happy. But it always gets replaced with a new one.

But this is what life is. Either I see life as a series of stresses or I start accepting it for what it is.

I own elenawang.com, but forgot to renew it when it ran out in June, mainly because the email address that I had registered for that domain was sending all emails to /dev/null, aka the black hole of nothingness. Now that's been sorted out, I spent this evening updating my site, like where it says I'm 23 :p and cleaning out the spam from my photo gallery. Comments are disabled for my photos now, because of the spam.

Jesus I'll be 25 in a couple of months. Quarter of a century. Eeek! What's particularly sad is that I'll have to buy myself a cake and a present since no one else is around who would. But I mustn't be bitter, there there. I have my health. I have all my teeth. I have my own hair.

The wireless internet at home works intermittently. The router is fecked IMO. It's ok for web browsing and checking emails, but can't support any sort of sustained traffic, like msn. I'm quite bored. But tomorrow I'm going out with Aoife, and the rest of the weekend I shall be socialising with people. Kieran is back from Canada on Thursday, and there shall be catching up to do.